Stuff; not quite so rough

As I stated in my last post, this is just a bonus post to show the actual best photos to come out of the Stuff magazine photoshoot. I won’t be ranking them, just posting them in alphabetical order with a few thoughts.

Adrianne

Hot as hell. I guess all of the pictures that were in the magazine are decidedly more “men’s magazine” than fashion, but who cares. As great as the photo they selected for Adrianne at panel, these are all so much better. And I love that they named her “Adrianna” in the second photo.

Ebony

So apparently baldness doesn’t fly in Stuff, so they photoshopped this cheap party wig onto her, making her look less Ebony Haith and more Ebony Morgan of Cycle 9, with perhaps a touch of Danielle Evans. Her body looks much better in this photo, and she’s masking her vagina arms cleverly with her hands.

Elyse

Elyse looks so hot in these photos it’s ridiculous. And the first one is the very similar to the one used at panel, just mirror-imaged, so it would seem she actually did get one of her best shots.

Giselle

I don’t really like the sitting one, but the other one is so hot it hurts. Much better than the one the showed at panel. I don’t even mind in this case the boobs threatening to escape, she’s just stunning.

Katie

Proving once again that she deserved another chance, except looking way hotter than in the photo they showed at panel.

Kesse

This may be the only time we see Kesse’s resemblance to Tyra in photo, in both of these shots. Much better than that boring mess they dragged out at panel. Finally we have proof that Kesse is somewhat photogenic (don’t expect to see much of that though…)

Nicole


The first shot is a trampy promo shot for the first season of Sex and the City, and there’s no way you can convince me it’s not. And she’s doing that stupid notsexy-sexy snarl thing again. The second shot, however, is pretty good. Very men’s magazine, but whatever. It’s hot. And surely her tits are fake, right?

Shannon


Would you look at that, Shannon doesn’t look skeletal at all. She still looks rail thin, but in a healthy way, like Ann Ward – basically, she looks how you’d want a model to look. She even appears to have boobs! *GASP* I also think that the second pose is genius – while her body still looks great in the first photo, it looks way better in the second one. She’s toochin’ her booty, and leaning forward to show us her cleavage, proving she has something going on there. And am I crazy or does she kinda look like Britney Spears here?

Tessa

I think the stylists for the shoot must have been like “well, she’s eliminated, so Tyra’s not gonna care how sexy she is”, and went all out in making her as skanky as possible. The shortest denim cut-offs in the world, a butterfly bikini bottom (???) and a white cotton tank top cut to just below the nipple line. Classy. That said, it’s exactly the type of outfit you’d see in Stuff, so not all that surprising, just an amusing contrast to the other girls. And she’s looking really good – she is really pretty, too bad her face was such a mess in Week One…

Tyra

Ms. Banks shared the cover of Stuff with her second and third eliminees… bet she was pleased about that. And why is she dressed so business-ey for her photo in the spread???

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So… do you like… Stuff?

Week Two: Swimwear for Stuff Magazine

This week is weird. They just did a swimwear shoot, so hey, let’s do another one! Why, Tyra? Why? Explain your reasoning, please. Also, they eliminated Katie for being “too sexy”, even though that’s really what a Stuff photoshoot requires. Then again, the judges were all smoking something crazy before panel this week because they liked all the photos except Katie’s, and some of them are straight up fug. I also hate the set, with the weird water-running-on-glass with giant light orbs…

The thing that bothers me most about this shoot though is that the photos selected clearly aren’t the girls’ best shots, evidenced by the fact that they had a spread in an issue of Stuff with much better photos. I don’t understand why they chose these photos to be presented at panel if the magazine clearly didn’t think much of them and chose other photos. I’m going to make a bonus post where I rank all of the photos that appear in the magazine, although I won’t add it to the averages (note that Robin and Shannon* don’t appear, either because they didn’t want to or because their photos were all shit. Both are quite plausible. And Tessa got two photos in the magazine despite being eliminated last week).

*EDIT: Found Shannon’s, thanks to alltopmodelblog… surely Robin’s must be out there somewhere…

Anyway, without further ado, this week’s best photo belongs to:

1) Elyse

Way to hide your flaws, Elyse! Wow! Elyse has a great body for high fashion, but not really for swimwear, as seen last week. But seriously she did an amazing job making her body work for the shoot. She was wearing a padded bra, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t have a booty tooch pad on (since those weren’t invented til Cycle 18…), and it still looks like she has an ass. And she didn’t even need a lesson from Tyra in the art of the booty tooch! On top of that she’s giving great face (even though she personally didn’t like it). Nice work, Elyse!

2) Adrianne

Adrianne is still amazing, as this photo show. I love how it’s quite a simple pose, but she’s very engaging. Her body is amazing, and I love how she contorted it, making it a little more “fashion” (ugh, Tyra, get out of my head!). Her face is great, she’s really drawing you in with her eyes. And blue is definitely her colour. Great photo!

3) Ebony

By far Ebony’s best photo on the show. Her smile is radiant, and her face is so beautiful. That said though, I still have issues with it. Her stomach looks a little untoned and she’s got some crazy Tyra-esque vagina arms going on. I also don’t like her bikini all that much – that piece of fabric cross one boob and not the other makes it look like it’s been ripped, although that’s not Ebony’s fault. And I wish the light hadn’t made her lips look quite as shiny, but that’s just a nitpick. Fairly good photo.

4) Shannon

So Shannon stepped it up a lot from last week. She still looks scarily thin (much thinner than Elyse ever looked), and I can’t comprehend where her boobs disappear to in swimsuit photoshoots because she doesn’t look that flat-chested in other photos. Maybe it’s down to the style of bikini they give her? I don’t know… But regardless, her face actually looks pretty this week, and overall it is a pretty good photo of Shannon.

5) Katie (Eliminated)

There’s not much else to say, really. The judges did hate this more than anything else this week (God knows why), so it’s understandable that they eliminated her. But really, if the judges had any common sense, they would have kept Katie around for at least one more week. She definitely deserved another chance; it doesn’t make sense to eliminate someone with a good photo over several others with terrible photos, just because of something as silly as looking too sexy in a bikini. Put her in a couture gown, then criticise her for being too sexy, damn it! Stupid. Anyway, this photo is nowhere near as great as last week’s, but still pretty good all the same. Last week’s was effortlessly gorgeous, this week she looks like she’s trying too hard. Her face is a little questionable, but it’s still acceptable. Stupid elimination.

6) Giselle

As much as I love Giselle, I can’t say I love this. Yes her legs look amazing again, but I don’t really like the rest of the photo at all. Her torso looks really wide and way out of proportion with her Amazonian legs. Her face looks mannish and confused, and her boobs look like their about to pop out from that tiny corset-y thing she’s wearing.

7) Nicole

Who pissed off Sarah Jessica Parker, here? I’ll give her that her body looks great – quite men’s magazine, but also somewhat fashion-y. But that face – ugh. I think she’s trying to do a sexy snarl, but it just comes off as stank. No thank you.

8) Kesse

Kesse’s body looks much better this week, especially her boobs. But her right arm looks paralysed, and she’s duckfacing with dead eyes. Not a lot else to say, this does nothing for me at all. But at least she looks like she’d belong in Stuff, unlike…

9) Robin

So the judges comments on this piece of shit were hilarious. Beau Quillian (who?) said her face was “beautiful” and “did not say twenty-six”. While it’s not a beautiful picture of Robin at all, he is half right – the face doesn’t say 26, it says 50 (and manly). Also, Janice Dickinson was wearing the same cheap looking necklace Robin has here.

But really, I can’t believe they like this. Her lips look weird, her stomach looks untoned, her boobs look saggy, and she looks as though she’d rather be anywhere else in the world. Props I guess for taking off the sarong under Tyra’s orders, even though we don’t get to see it in the final product. God, I hate this photo.

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AVERAGES

  1. Adrianne (2.0) 2/2
  2. Elyse (3.5) 6/1
  3. Giselle (3.5) 1/6
  4. Katie (4.0) 3/5 – Eliminated Week 2
  5. Ebony (5.0) 7/3
  6. Nicole (5.5) 4/7
  7. Shannon (7.0) 10/4
  8. Robin (7.0) 5/9
  9. Kesse (8.0) 8/8
  10. Tessa (9.0) 9 – Eliminated Week 1

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Where it all began…

Way back nine years ago, Tyra Banks had a dream: to discover the fashion world’s next superstar. Unfortunately, that dream was never fulfilled, but she did create one of the best reality shows in history. Yes, it’s had its up and downs, but it’s hard to deny how entertaining it all is.

So, Cycle 1. Good grief was it cheap. The photoshoot budgets, the judging room, everything. And it also took place way back when the internet was still sucky, so there doesn’t seem to be much trace of high quality photos for this cycle. But whatever, on with the rankings!

Week One: JLo By Jennifer Lopez Rooftop Swimwear Shoot

I kinda like this shoot, it was definitely one of the better ones this cycle. Very cheap, but still somewhat effective as a shoot. But I must ask: why are they all wearing stripper heels? Surely the budget wasn’t that low…

1) Giselle

This one is a force to be reckoned with. Super photogenic and legs for days, Giselle is definitely one of the stand-outs of Cycle 1. I love her confidence here, I love how swimsuit looks with her skin, I love the wind in her hair. Great start for a great girl.

2) Adrianne

Adrianne is one of my favourite winners, and this was definitely one of her best shots on the show. Her face is just flawless, and her body is slamming. The bikini looks great on her, she probably got the best one. I also love the pose (unpopular opinion?) – it kinda does make it look like a shoe ad, but it’s not taking up the focus like in Tessa’s (see below), and overall it makes it different to everyone else’s.

3) Katie

Katie is smoking hot, but I still don’t see how this is “too sexy”. Sure it’s sexier than everyone else’s, but I wouldn’t call it “hoochie”. Her hair looks great, the bikini looks amazing… and really, what’s wrong with a little sexiness in a bikini shoot? Such bullshit.

4) Nicole

A pretty good start for an overall very mediocre girl. Nicole was the tallest at 5’11”, but she looks about nine feet tall here – those legs are crazy long. It’s the best her face looked in a photo on the show, but it’s not great – she looks a little mannish. And I’m not a big fan of her curly hair. But overall, it’s quite good, and easily her best photo. Also, she got the best backdrop, hands down.

5) Robin

Another personal best here – I hate Robin’s portfolio overall, but this is really not that bad at all. She looks quite youthful and feminine (she’ll go on to look neither of those things in her later photos), and her body looks pretty good (aside from her massive thighs…). I hate that she wore a sarong though – get over yourself, Robin! Embrace your size! And if it was about showing too much skin, you’re in a modelling competition. I totally get the nudity thing, but surely bikinis are fine.

6) Elyse

Given how scrawny Elyse is, this could have been a lot worse. I mean, she still looks wildly out of place in a swimsuit photoshoot, but she’s working it like the pro she is and ended up with a half-decent photo. Her face looks a little unsure, but it’s still not all that bad.

7) Ebony

Oh, Ebony. I don’t know how I feel about her. Sometimes I loved her personality, sometimes I couldn’t stand it. But if there was one thing she was consistent with, it was her terrible modelling. This isn’t so much bad as it is bland, but there’s still so much wrong with it. She looks super masculine, her pose is boring, she’s gazing off vacantly, and the bikini just looks strange. And she’s doing the finger-in-the-bikini-bottoms thing Janice told Katie off for doing, yet she got first call-out on the show. Cycle 1 was weird.

8) Kesse

Good things first: her face looks great, and I love how her hair looks. That’s it. That’s all I like about this photo, yet it’s still probably Kesse’s best. Her left hand is distractingly gigantic, her tits look bizarre, her thighs are huge, and her head looks disjointed from the body, like it’s been cut off and shifted a few inches to her left.

9) Tessa (Eliminated)

Tessa: what are you up to? Why are you posing like that? We can barely see the bikini at all. This totally looks like a shoe ad, and a mediocre one at that – her face is a mess, and her hair looks weird. Do not want. And stop scratching your ass!

10) Shannon

Ew. Shannon, no. Stop. This is all wrong. Where are your boobs? Why do you look thinner than Elyse? Why are you only smizing with your right eye, making the left one look twice as big? I don’t know whether I’d eliminate Shannon here, knowing what she’s capable of in future, but yikes. This is not good at all.

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AVERAGES

  1. Giselle (1.0) 1
  2. Adrianne (2.0) 2
  3. Katie (3.0) 3
  4. Nicole (4.0) 4
  5. Robin (5.0) 5
  6. Elyse (6.0) 6
  7. Ebony (7.0) 7
  8. Kesse (8.0) 8
  9. Tessa (9.0) 9 -Eliminated Week 1
  10. Shannon (10.0) 10

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